i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he shaved USA in his pubs
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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