I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
