i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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