I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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