dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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