saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
