Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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