i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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