bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
