I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
