ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
