I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
