thus making me awesome and them whores
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
