I just pynch a tree in the face
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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