No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
