ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
