Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
