I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
