I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
