i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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