I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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