No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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