my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
