He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
