Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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