If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
