her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
false alarm, still single
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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