you would pick up someone in the library
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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