Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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