Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
