I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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