Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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