Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize