just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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