I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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