The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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