I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
