Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
