my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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