I hate your face
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
