I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
