Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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