Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
