Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
