You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
