There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
handjob tips. give me some.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
