How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize