It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
