Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
