I just saw a hot homeless man
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
