He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
