Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
