listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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