he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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