Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
