I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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