Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize