so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
