Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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